On the Subject of Facebook Memes

(1)
It's been a while since I've written anything by hand, okay, that's bullshit I take great notes every day. I mean anything in this particular brainmode. Killing time. Beware anyone who openly admits they like Aphex Twin. As wary as if someone says they like death metal.

There's that quote that's been going around for years now on whatever communications medium available to it at the time. I'm imagining a pre-internet world in which, in order to be apprectiated for your wit and/or what is essentially crate digging (the act of scrounging for legit obscure beats) but for funny pictures, people are reduced to standing on street corners shouting all the jokes they've heard. Or slipping funny drawings into strangers mailboxes.

Anyway. About that quote.
It goes "something something, if they don't have books, don't fuck them."
Right? You've heard it.

What an awful concept. What shit. First off, if someone is sexually attractive, fuck them. Regardless of their favorite food or lifestyle choices. It's a little late and a little tacky to suddenly pull a *condescending llama gif goes here* and roll your dick back up.
"Sorry baby, this is for rhodes scholars only."

Secondly, this is 2012. I have a Kindle now, and this simultaneously elates and saddens me.
Firstly because I can read any book ever, for free, instantly forever anywhere oh my god freedom future savior. Secondly. Lastly? The other hand. I don't ever get to have a giant library lit by oil lamps with ladders on rails and....cognac?

(2)
So, say I've brought a young lady of apparent appropriate respute home.She, being a good American, has been bombarded via facebook, email, and the general internet with that dumb "don't fuck them" rule. She demands to see my books. Do I smugly whip out my tremendous
collection?
Do I hand her my usb drive?

Here's the problem. From what I remember, the actual quote doesn't specify anything beyond "make sure they read books before you fuck them".
(And yes, they used the word "fuck" as a verb, showing that even literate "readers" can be visceral and horny, allowing everyone who read it and automatically assigned themselves among the hip, entitled "readers" to be secure in their cool fuckability even though they dare to dream to read, fucking, I don't know. The book equivalent of Owl City.)
So basically, as long as they have a big shelf of printed paper, go to town on that fella!

Content doesn't matter, because to the person who wrote the quote, the content isn't the focal point of reading. It is the act of reading - or, more particularly, the act of having read - that elevates a person from disgusting igneous slag to hot feisty fucktillectual.

Let's examine that in any other context.
"If you go home with someone and they don't have CD's strewn tastefully in visible locations, don't fuck them."
"If you go home with someone, and you cat immediately identify where their movie collection is, don't fuck them"

Why is it okay to be using books as the metric of eligibility if everything else is shallow as fuck?

(3)

So here's my new plan. I'm going to go get a shirt printed that just has big block letters on my chest.
"I READ BOOKS. LADIES."
Maybe an arrow to my dick.
I'm going to stride around....wherever people like this congregate. I'm really not sure of that still.
B...bars? Do girls willingly go to bars? Would I willingly go home with a girl who was willingly at a bar in the first place? It's thoughts like this that would keep me up at night if I wasn't up anyway, playing videogames and not having sex with girls from bars!
("If you go home with someone and they don't have vidyagaymes, don't fuck them")

*Some chemistry bullshit*

So: Look.
Anyway. Fuck that guy.
If you're sleeping with people based primarily on "book"-arbitrary owniness, you deserve whatever self-imposed limitations. Not that anybody actually literally does this. That's the worst bit. It's just a way of simultaneously reassuring oneself that they're a member of the cool kids club while letting other people know what the current arbitrary conditions are to be a member.


EEEpcdit: Normally I'd put the follow up music at the beginning, but this is meant to play as the world Inceptsplodes as I walk away after doing all the talking. I don't even know why I keep listening to this song.

I want this to play as I stride along, equal parts high fiving passerby and pushing them down wells. Ain't give a damn.

I need to listen to all of the music, but only after 11pm on schoolnights, okay?

Adept: Look! Music!

This is hater's gonna hate walking music.


This is driving music. How many times will he embed Voyager? Nobody knows! It is the best of songs.

You will notice that many of these are recognizable from films. This is because there are people out there who's job it is to cue songs to events in films. Incidental scoring, underneath the composed songs, is so goddamn neat.

This is driving music.

Walking.

Driving.

Do you see?

Runners up include: All Ratatat records are driving music.
                                 All Nujabes records are walking music.



Okay okay I need to make this quick. Can't get sucked in, need sleep!
Permanently tired all the time nowdays! Can't be helped! Stuff to do!

There is walking music and there is driving music.
And there is a lot of other music too obviously but that is not the point. False dichotomy. Whatever.
What I mean is there are certain songs that you listen to while you're walking, and you go "this is a perfect walking song" and songs that come up while you're driving and you don't think a single thing, it's just road road road.

Some of you may be saying "you don't drive" yes well okay maybe I just mean "traveling in a car" then.

There isn't any airplane music because sitting uncomfortably for long stretches at a time doesn't require a soundtrack. There is no sensation of movement during flight, which in my opinion is a damn shame.
(Note: This is hemitrue. During takeoff, being pressed into your seat, there are appropriate songs you can play.)

It turns out this was solely an excuse for me to look at that video. Jets are fucking awesome.

Wrong.

It is actually really difficult to identify this type of music when you're sitting. I keep trying to make note of the really good ones but hey sometimes I revisit them and go "No, no, this is just a good old song. It doesn't properly contain motion!"

Now.
The majority of these are cheating, in that they mostly consist of ambient electronic music.

Ambient electronic music will allow you to do anything rhythmic or monotonous until you die of exhaustion or boredom.
Trance music is shit and always will be shit, but it doesn't matter because the people who listen to it are on drugs and you wouldn't give a baby Voltaire straight out the oven would you? They'd only slobber on it anyway, bless them.

Movies have conditioned us that the next best travel music is singer/songwriter acoustic guitar stuff because that is when Joseph Gordon Levitt is on the train back to his hometown and the girl is transitioned to while he stares out the passing landscape.

The illusion of progress is different than the sensation of movement; do not be fooled by Hollywood music magic! They know your emotions and they have built the right toxins to play them like a fiddle. Fiddles. Plural. I think that makes the sentence flow better.

There has been a whole lot of talking and not a lot of music and that is because I think that if I just list these songs the concept will be lost.

Oh. Also.
Don't confuse Songs about Movement with Songs that Make you Move!

Pretty much a lot of the songs I put on here make you move! That is my definition of funkiness anyway. Well, even of any downright good song.
If it makes you unconsciously associate with it, physically, it's good! Rhythm, you know, in the purest sense, affects everyone. Even grandmothers.
Let me play music for your grandmother.

I think I'll add the actual songs later.

Okay okay what I'm trying to say is