Step One: Form A Hypothesis

Avid readers will be familiar with the process I use to come up with these entries.
I've currently got the loose strands of a transcendence storm clogging my drain.
One of these days I'll work up the courage to put my fingers in there and clean it up, but this ain't my first rodeo; I know transcendence to be a sticky mistress and I like feeling clean still yet.
Until then I'll continue to poke at it with my big toe each time I take a shower and marvel as my extended metaphors take on a life of their own.

.....Sexually.

I'm not actually sure what that means, but I love the phrase. Any sentence can be enhanced with a slow follow up caveat of ".....Sexually". Other good phrases include "......in the Biblical sense" and "......Ladies"

I've been carrying around a small notepad ever since my "people who refer to dollars as 'bones'" fiasco a few months back in the hopes that I can capture some of my more noteworthy thoughts.
Unfortunately, since nothing has changed, I've only managed to fill it with equally inane statements that I never remember writing down.
They are as follows:

1. "Pigsweat, Plutonium, and Nicotine"
2. "My neck is broken and my pants ain't getting no bigger"
3. "If you were really worried, you'd dress up as me and be a decoy"

and, scrawled along the margin, the statement "In regard to literature everything, it isn't so much what you like as much as HOW you like it".

Well, now, there's something I can both wholeheartedly agree and work with.

That being said (glad that's over with, boy!), this is going to be disjointed.
I've been pondering about the nature of dance.
And music, and things that are cool, and Relationships Between Humans, and girls, but mainly dancing. That is a lie you mean mainly girls
My book tells me our ancestors danced out their religions long before they spoke of them.
This is a very romantic and totally viable speculation, and it lends itself well to thoughts of badassery but when you actually look at it, it isn't what you had hoped. Not that it's bad. It's just primal. Primary. It's 10,000 years later, I should hope we've advanced some.
I am having a hard time separating the dance from the music. You probably shouldn't be able to; dance and music ought to be inextricably linked.
So,most all dance needs music. Not all music needs dance, lord no.
I could trawl through Youtube and Wikipedia (Oh, how I love to trawl through wikipedia and youtube) and supply you lovelies with a neverending stream of Dance as it evolved through the years (NOT that fucking "evolution of dance" guy. I hope he floats up in a river tomorrow.). I'm talking Dance as far back as we could record it till the Soulja Boy. Or whatever you young kids are doing today, I guess the Soulja Boy was over a year ago. What is the new dance?
What is the old dance?

The point is I would easily end up with dozens of fantastic clips, each one worth a long admiring look. My need to obsessively cover all sides of a story prevents me from cutting down the list to a select few.

So. Lets find a way around that. Lets pare down two thousand years of dance culture by throwing out all the dumb shit.
Lets gloss over all of the remarkable-yet-personally-uninteresting dances. That includes: Nearly all old ethnic folk dances, nearly all group dances (this includes courtroom dances from the 15th century all the way to anything with country music), nearly all respected/professional dances (modern/ballroom/etc.), and all the innumerable one-off song dances.

What's left? Most hip hop dances. Disco. Good ballroom. Locking. Breakdancing, of course. Most club/electronic dances, varied as they come.

And of course, the most popular of dances by a longshot: The dance that most actual people do on the casual occasions that they find themselves on a dance floor playing the popular music of the time. This is the gross majority of all people, the massive silent...masses that stoically plod to the beat, who have no idea what they're doing yet do it anyway.
Some people are more successful than others (some people have natural rhythm), some people look better doing it (some people are prettier than others), some people are more varied and creative than others, but it all boils down to the same thing in the end. This concept that There Is Music Playing, There Is A Group Of People, Categorical Imperative: Dance!

It's an anomaly. But it happens. Don't give me that bullshit about dancing being natural. Boogieing is natural. Bobbing your head to the beat, feeling the music, that comes naturally. Most everyone can tap their feet. But Dancing, real capital D dancing, that doesn't start looking good until some level of practice and control enters the scene.

Of course, I hate Dance people dancing almost as much as I hate Drama people performing, or Music people playing Music. It's an "Art", which means it's acolytes are governed by pretentiousness, competition, and blatant showboating.
Nobody likes that except other Dance people. You just make the rest of us plebeians look bad by comparison.
Which is what dance is about. Don't give me that shit about free expression and energy. Do that in the privacy of your own home. You go out and dance in public to dance with other people. Specifically usually members of the opposite gender.
Which typically and eventually boils down to sex sex sex. Don't lie to yourself.
So what do most people do? Well, go look at a dance floor containing our age group. Look at common trends. Observe and analyze the interactions between individuals. Most importantly, mark the correlation between the music and the dance at all times.
You know, ordinary people don't do this. Shut UP this is how I operate.
And what we see is this: Girls try to look attractive. Men try to look attractive. Men try to get with attractive girls. Girls try to get got by attractive men. Not everyone is attractive, which leads to most tension.
Very little dancing actually occurs. The common techniques including people jumping up and down on the spot to the beat. Arms are usually held close to the body if the elbows are low (at which time they mirror the movement of the legs) or waved up and down if the elbows are above the shoulder (in a sort of bouncing motion).
Footwork varies more than anything else, but most people alternate between feet - and within that, alternate between the heel and the toe.
Most popular dance music has a shitload of bass to help keep people on beat and moving, and it's almost always a steady 4/4.
Girls often face away from their partner if they want to be all sexy-like.
Guys do less than 20% of the total "work" involved in couples dancing.

This infuriates me.

As a funky and rhythmic individual who is simultaneously hyperaware and in permanent fear of public embarrassment, I am continuously torn in all dancing environments.
I want to dance, it seems like a fun activity.
I cant help but notice everyone seems to be doing it wrong.
Me especially.
I always get tired of doing vaguely similar things, but can't think of anything else.
Large crowds of people executing expressively cool movements while observing and interacting with everyone else doing it at the same time evokes the absolute worst level of my anxiety.
Every single person in this room is watching my every move and is judging me for and by them. And in retaliation I can't help but judge everyone else, and I am always disappointed.

However, I've decided that I'm tired of crippling myself in this particular aspect of my life, anyway.
This decision has been primarily spurred by a quiet but urgently rising desire to dance with as many pretty girls as possible.

I've come to the conclusion that, as with all of my personal problems, there are two major ways to go about fixing my aversion to dance.
I could rationalize it out and come to grips with the reality of the situation, which is that I tend to overreact. I could accept that I'm just as average a "dancer" as any of my observed studies, and convince myself that most people wouldn't consider me any worse than my peers in the dancing department, thus freeing me to enjoy myself and dance with girls. Solving problems by lying to yourself, very nice

OR

I could rationalize it out and arrive at the unpleasant truth that most of my irrational fears are based off of rational observations. Most people are judgemental and unoriginal, but the majority rules. I could accept that I will look hopelessly out of place attempting to dance, as I lack any fundamental basics of the concept. That's...rational.
And I could then decide to watch a bunch of youtube practice videos of all kinds of dancing, close the blinds, blast some music in headphones of course, and cobble together my own faintly unique style out of club dancing basics.
Within the year, armed thusly, I could enter the dancing throng confident in my competence.
And absolutely SMOKE any generic boring fuckers who think their two-step is hot shit.
And establish myself as a non-showboating non-asshole who knows how to dance a little.

So come with me, readers, as I traverse the ether of the nets, trawling for any potential dances that I could blatantly adopt as building blocks.
Dances that fit my personality, my style. Dances that work with my physique and mentality. Dances that mesh with the type of songs I like and the clothing I wear.
Dances that I could imagine myself doing without laughing.

Oh lord, a fellow on the internet has decided to make himself cooler.
This is a flawless plan.