I Used To Drive Drunk, But Some Mothers Got Madudud

I've smoked pot like....four times.

What a bunch of crap it was. Weed is boring. Weed is uninteresting.
All I do all day is sit around on my ass and think of stupid shit. Play computer games and have trouble doing math problems.
Why would I want a drug that gives me more of that.

Also, I hate every single aspect of any culture that has been influenced by pot. I hate you, hippies. Seriously. I hate hackey sacks. I hate dread locks. I hate baggy organic clothes. I hate reggae. I hate drum circles and tye-dye and Anti-Bush jokes.I saw a bumper sticker the other day. It was a cutout of the Hawaiian island chain, only striped Red Yellow and Green.
What does that even fucking mean. What is that supposed to mean. It means you're Hawaiian and you're Jamaican too. Or something. Fuck you.

I hate hemp rope and hemp fuel and hemp everything. Pot is a drug that makes you act like a kid again. I hate kids.

Pot smells bad when you burn it. Pot tastes bad when you eat it.
People who smoke weed and find the smell/taste delicious are stupid.
Your opinions are wrong. It smells terrible. That is the smell you get when you RUIN your brownies, not make them extra delicious.

Pot is possibly the most annoying drug of all time. It makes smart people stupid, and stupid people think they're smart. It makes people smelly and friendly, a terrible combination at any time. There is none of the inhibition-lowering and sex-producing qualities of alcohol or the brain-altering affects of real psychedelic drugs. Yet it is one of the most pseudoscientifically studied drugs ever.

Here is my experience with alcohol: "Holy shit, this tastes....terrible, with a masochistic uptwist" OH MY GOD THIS IS AN AMAZINGLY LIBERATING FEELING LETS GO PARASAILING AND/OR CAN I SEE YOUR BOOBS? (Epilogue: HELLO TOILET HOW ARE YOOOOUUUU)

Here is my experience with weed: "So...so I'm supposed to be feeling something NOW, right? Something is supposed to happen?" "Yeah, I guess so, man. You've smoked like twice as much as it should take to get you like totally high" "My legs are kind of tingly. This is boring, and now my mouth tastes like smoke. How do you clean this thing, anyway?"

Do you see the difference?

Pot ruins every possible cool thing about Pot.
You smoke it? That could be so cool. Cigarettes are really cool. There are so many cool things you can do with smoke.
NO. Pot fucks it up. Every word for smoking sounds so fucking retarded, dripping out of your stupid dumb mouth. Dude, lets go BURRNNNN. Lets BLAZE. Lets get JAGGED. Have a TOKE. I'm getting angry just hearing this in my head.

And OH MY GOD the delivery system. You need to burn something and inhale the smoke. Okay, from a glassware perspective, that sounds pretty easy to do. We've got these things called cigarettes, they've got filters and. NO. Joints are stubby, ugly wads.

Well, okay, we do have these things called pipes, they're basically just a bowl with a stem you breath through.
NO. Lets make ugly, bulbous, organic, swirly, nebulous, squat, colorblind lumps of glass, and act like they're really cool.
I hate pipes so fucking much. They are all ugly. They are all stupid looking.

Alcohol has the option of looking classy. There are....clean lines, bold colors, a sense of composition. Straight edges and fine details.
Look at how fucking classy this cocktail glass is. A single reverse wedge of lemon. All that is in there is probably....vodka, lemon juice, sugar. And it'll knock you on your ass, and you'll look cool just holding it, and it is CLEAN and ORDERLY and is AESTHETICALLY PLEASING.

I Google'd "pipe" and this is the VERY FIRST IMAGE that came up. This fucking, this disgusting, swirling, discordant abomination.
And potheads think they look cool. They collect them. They brag about ones that look like the Man in the Moon with a Beard.

Weed is a drug that makes you think this pipe is an interesting, unique, and cool piece of art.
That alone is a cogent argument against pot. Put that shit up on your commercial, D.A.R.E. Put this on your slideshow. "If you do this drug, you will eventually think this is coooooooool, bro". I promise you, start em early enough and you'll put Cheeto's out of business in no time.

I'm not unreasonable. There are a scant few positive aspects. Smoke rings are cool, no matter what. I like Jack Johnson. I mean, I would prefer you to be a vapid squinter on weed than, say, chewing my face off on crystal meth. It is definitely the least harmful of the major drugs. Probably less so than caffeine.
It's pretty much par for the course with theobromine. Thats the stuff in chocolate that makes you happy.
That is a shitty argument for it, though.

This is a ROOR glassware bong. It is the closest thing I could find to a decent, functional and clean piece of pot culture, and guess what. It's made by the Germans. And it costs two hundred dollars.

Look, okay, I have some shit to say about Hookahs too. If you take them seriously, you're just as stupid.

I hate beer and wine too. Give me some credit. I mete out my hate in large, even quantities, and I always give rational arguments for my smoldering rage. People who smoke cigarettes smell bad and taste bad. Drunk people far exceed potheads in potential for obstinant ignorance and, for that matter, ignorant violence. Yes. In the hands of a fucking idiot, everything can be used as a weapon, or at least as an offense to my existence.
If you smoke pot, you're probably dumb and boring.
Ugh. And probably cheerful and content.
I hope you get hit by a van.
And for the record, I thought Pineapple Express was hilarious.


And HEY, lets have some music. The Supremes!

I'd like you all to meet Deltron Zero...and Automator. (Shut up stick with it.)