Penelope Cholmondely raised her azure eyes from the crabbed scenario. She meandered among the congeries of her memoirs. There was the Kinetic Algernon, a choleric artificer of icons and triptychs, who wanted to write a trilogy. For years she had stifled her risibilities with dour moods. His asthma caused him to sough like the zephyrs among the tamarack.
At 11:34 at night when you have a splitting headache and a major take-home test for Religion 150 due at the stroke of midnight, please remember the following: The proper medication for a headache is typically some generic analgesic. These include aspirin, NSAIDs like ibuprofen, or acetaminophen. Notice that the list does not include Putting Your Headphones At Full Volume To Drive The Demons Out. This method does not work. I repeat, this method does not work, especially when your headphones are capable of going to eleven. This especially does not work when you pick a single song and declare For The Next Three Hours I Shall Listen Exclusively To Remixes Of This Theme. However, since I know you are all sciency types who prefer to obtain empirical evidence by yourself, the next time you have a headache....
DON'T DO THIS
OR THIS
(P.S. Earlier today, as I caught the bus back home, my gazing into the depths of my immortal soul out the window was interrupted by half a dozen new passengers boarding. The minute they got on I could tell they were special. For a start, they were all a few years older than me. Three girls, three boys, gorgeously rugged yet fashionable all of them. No two seats were empty next to each other so they claimed various side outlets and formed a rough U shape. One of the girls took residence up next to me and plugged herself into her iPod. I observed her via reflection of the window.* The boys took out folded newspapers and began to read. Then one of them shouted to the other, total wild excitement and disregard for Bus Propriety of Noise Regulations. It was so pretty I blinked and took my headphones off. Oh they spoke Portuguese Oh they were Brazilian Oh they were beautiful people. It was like when the main character of a fantasy novel first encounters Elves, the tall beautiful alien kind that have that sort of unobtainable perfection that just makes you vaguely ashamed and elated at the same time. Portuguese is now my all time favorite language. Fuck French. I've studied French for five years and it is actually fairly okay, I mean, I still like it. The ladies, you know, they love me didn't do shit all. You want to be knee deep in bitches, learn Portuguese. (Knee-deep is a term of volume, not depth. Along the lines of "waist deep", not "balls deep". Keep this in mind when converting to metric, Euro readers.) Then they left and with them went the oxygen and optimism of the bus. Sure was neat. Oh, but then a new girl in a stripy shirt got on in Pukalani! Sure, she spent the entire ride looking at her reflection and touching up her lip gloss in the window, but I mean....I do that too. I just plain love mirrors.
[*Footnote! Speaking of viewing people from afar, two more things just sprang to mind! 1. A friend of mine kindly gave me this law, which is now my personal motto: Gregory Benford's Law of Controversy: Passion is inversely proportional to the amount of real information available. Isn't that just the shit truth? 2. What do I love the most in this world I will give you three guesses it is MYSELF I love myself. Which means that in my current situation I find myself loving the private investigator character on House more and more.
Research Report #1 Griffin Weston Sunday Meeting at Bahai Faith Center, Makawao.
Still reeling from the Hope Chapel thunder, I allowed several Sundays to pass lazily by until my mother showed me a calendar of remaining weeks left, thus putting the fear of Religion (150) back in my heart. After warily eying the long list of churches downtown, I randomly selected the Bahá'í Faith. They held regular Sunday services in Makawao at 8:00 am. Google Maps confirmed my suspicion that it was probably held in some guys home. My outlook at 7:30 on a rainy Sunday morning was somewhat pessimistic. I decided to arrive slightly early, which resulted in me being the only one there for a good 10 minutes. The Bahá'í Center was a long, white building squeezed into the neighborhood surrounding Makawao Elementary. I was greeted at the door by a surprised woman holding a vacuum cleaner. I explained my situation, she explained hers, and she continued to clean up while I took off my shoes and sat quietly. The interior was also low and long, with roughly 15 cushioned chairs arranged in an oval. Old books sat in old bookshelves. A black and white photograph of an old (evidently Persian) man was on one wall, while various symbols from major world religions were on the others. A functional kitchen took up the far wall. My introspection was broken by a newcomer. It was his first time as well; a middle aged man with a knapsack from Chicago looking for a place to go Sunday mornings. We exchanged words until the arrival of our first real Bahá'í, a friendly fellow with an orchid farm shirt and muddy boots. He immediately bustled around, making coffee, turning on the lights, and learning our names. He happily launched into a brief overview of the Bahá'í Faith: Relatively new (founded in 19th century Persia) and practiced by 5 or so million followers, the Bahá'í Faith essentially agrees with all the major world religions, claiming they are all connected by the single unifying God. Spiritual and social unity, peace, and a continual forward momentum for humanity. It sounded pretty good. Every few minutes a new person would enter, adding a few words and introducing themselves to us with handshakes and smiles. People would get up for coffee, someone brought a small cake to the center table. This was not a sermon (although I was assured that some readings by Bahá'u'lláh [the founder of the Faith] would eventually occur), it was a discussion, a forum. On several occasions I was surprised to find myself the recipient of several people’s attention. They asked me questions after they answered my own. The turning point came when the final arrivals made their entrance. An old man wearing what can only be described as “spectacles”, a loud Hawaiian shirt and knee high socks walked over to me and offered me a hug, stating “Bet you didn’t know you had a grandpa from outer space, did you!” . Apparently, I did now. If this man had a title along the lines of “pastor” or “teacher”, I didn’t hear it that day. He had written a book on the sacred writings of Bahá'u'lláh, which lay on the table among prayers. Now that Jenobe had arrived, the conversation circled back to the two initiates: myself, and the earnest traveler. Grandpa Jenobe explained the finer points of the Bahá'í Faith with grand gesticulations and energy. Unity, Unity, and more Unity could not be stressed enough. A set of principles he drew up included the drive for the elimination of all prejudice (racial, sexual, economic, intellectual, everything!), the need for a universal language (in complete concurrence with maintaining cultural ties), and the importance of reconciling science and religion. Included in the discussion were the posters along the walls containing excerpts from the main religious texts of several religions stating the exact same things.
I was continually (and pleasantly) surprised by the sheer amount of logical sense contained in the conversation. The metaphors were fitting, the explanations made sense. Working under the belief that there is a single God who has been revered and named by a multitude of different religions, followers of Bahá'í then (are logically compelled to) accept all religions equally. Various religious figures such as Muhammad and Jesus and Buddha are all seen as messengers of God, suited specifically to their era. The correlation offered was that of a school. Students are progressed from 1st to 12th grade. 1st graders are taught by the 1st grade teacher, who teaches them all that the children are able to learn at that level, and so on up the ladder. No teacher is more or less important than the other, because each one builds on the foundation set by the previous. Emphasis was put on how easy it is to gather every Sunday and say these things and then put them aside the rest of the week. After some time, in a lull among the multiple conversations going on, I focused again on Jenobe. I do not remember exactly how he arrived at the specific allegory, but he was going over the statement in the New Testament stating “Love your enemies”. The word “terrorists” caught my ear and I sighed inwardly at the use of such a cliché. Boy, was I wrong. After asking him to start at the beginning, Jenobe told the group his story. My details may not be exact, but roughly: In the 70’s he was attending a Bahá'í Faith conference in Indonesia and contracted malaria. He arranged a plane flight to the next leg of his journey where he was going to sweat it out in his hotel room. Before his plane had taken off, it was hijacked by fundamentalist terrorists and held hostage for multiple days on the tarmac. The conditions he described were horrifying, but the point he drew was that, coming from an exposition on his faith, he viewed it as a test. A test that, as he told us, he failed. He tried to love these enemies and boy, I can’t blame him, found he could not. He remembered what Martin Luther King had said, “Discover the element of good in your enemy.”, and tried to focus on a single thing worth loving about these people, and he failed. We were left to draw our own personal meaning out of this event, but Jenobe did close with the statement that “Well, since I think I failed that one….God’s probably going to do it again some time until we get it right. So don’t fly with me.”
I left after an hour and a half of conversation. They never got around to reading out of any book, and I later found out that the unsmiling Persian on the wall was not Bahá'u'lláh as I had first assumed. In fact, they’d like to avoid using his physical likeness in order to dissuade preconceived notions. As a whole, I was pleasantly surprised. Continually. I can see why the Bahá'í Faith is the second fastest growing religion. The level of detail, of understanding and logic involved, the stress for education and compassion and unity made a whole heck of a lot of sense to me. As a religion, I have yet to see a negative aspect of it. As a way of life, as an ethical and philosophical and social system, I can get behind it and cheer wildly. Yes to worldwide education, yes to a universal auxiliary language, yes to every single person being “anxiously concerned with the needs of society”. The people at the Bahá'í Faith center are earnest, interesting and energetic. If they weren’t so godawful early in the morning I would be sore tempted to return. I sure hope it doesn’t get twisted and misinterpreted by fundamentalists like every single other religion ever out there. But then again, honestly, what would a Bahá'í fundamentalist do? Force you to learn a second language at gunpoint? Brusquely encourage your independent investigation of the truth? Oh NO!
Hey team, I'll come back to this and put some links and youtube embeds later. I'm a little behind on work. And by work I mean Warcraft. And by Warcraft I mean sleep.
I've realized that my day to day life is primarily marked by chance occurrences with attractive ladies. Within the course of a single day I typically fall completely in love with at least three women, who invariably devastate my heart just seconds afterwards. Not a single one of them knows who I am, probably because I've never spoken to any of them. I have smiled on occasion, and have sometimes gotten a smile back (which instantly elevates my day to a "Glorious" level, and never fails to elicit [once out of sight of said lady] something I like to call a "Shit-Eating Grin"). So this one goes out to all those girls who would without a doubt be thoroughly creeped the hell out should they ever discover that some dude is writing about them. In no particular order, as I remember them in my own time. 1. Bus Girl #1 - You take the bus down to the mall on school days, which probably means you're my age. I've tried in vain to see what book you're reading. I like to think it's something really neat. It's probably about vampires. Your fashion sense is lovely. Please don't tell me it came from Hot Topic. Where have you been lately? 2. Bus Girl #2 - It is rare for someone to pull off violet and teal streaked hair, so you get points for that. However, you are vapid and your boyfriend is probably going to grow up and kill his entire cubicle one day. Get out now. 3. Jamba Girl #1 - You are adorable. Had you been born in the country of your ethnicity, you'd probably be forced to join the circus and be one of those creepy contortionist girls. I'm sorry I never want to try an Acai cup sample. I'm also sorry you're probably dull as a dead hen. Still cute though. Thank you for comping me that one time I forgot a penny for exact change. 4. Jamba Girl #2 - You actually came around the counter and delivered my Caribbean Passion directly into my hand. I've seen you arrive to work on a skateboard. You wear baggy pants. I am madly in love with you please be perfect in every single way. We can have 10 kids and start a family band. 5. Chemistry Girl #1 - You are as cute and minx-y as you are airheaded. Your boyfriend is possibly the most retarded person I've ever met. I cannot pronounce his Hawaiian name. Please stop coming to class half an hour late and then fucking your lab up. Please be less dissapointing, because you're really pretty.Yes, all of my shirts are clever and awesome. GOD, you're dumb as toast. 6. Chemistry Girl #2 - It must be hard being the only tall, skinny white girl in a class/group full of efficient Japanese robots. I make sure that your station has a hotplate that actually, you know, functions properly. Soon I will start hiding dead rats in your purse. Inside will be a fortune that says "YOU COMPLETE ME". I'm still working on it. You look good in goggles, a rare accomplishment.
7. English Girl #1 - Jesus, you're elegant. You spoil it with whore earrings and skintight velour tracksuit-pant-whatever those things with the Letters Over Your Butt are called. I also wish you weren't a total dumbshit idiot. Stop looking at me when I'm looking at you.Yes, my wrist cuff is made of a necktie. Aren't I fucking fashionable? Your essays are predictable and boring. I can basically see your bra like EVERY DAY do you even look in a mirror?
8. Archaeology Girl #1 - I sit right in front of you, so I only get to actually look at you like once a day. This probably greatly magnifies any actual mystery or allure you possess. I commend you on your choice of truly stunning eyeshadow. I am biased, though. There is no such thing as too much eyeshadow. 9. Archaeology Girl #2 - You seem intelligent and enthusiastic! Your tattoo of a fairy is quite large! You seem like the kind of girl who would read Twilight and like it, and read Harry Potter and not. Yes, the pyramids aligned with the North Star. Hah, indeed. 10. Religion Girl #1 - You're Canadian, you wear glasses, and you obviously have a good head on your shapely shoulders. These are all points in your favor. You have a heart tattoo between your boobs, you are actually like 26, and you've made friends with the godawful corn-husk of a hippy woman who sits next to you. These are all points against you. I could honestly swing either way with you. 11. Panda Express Girl #1 - You and I have quite the rapport going. This is probably because I eat there like twice a goddamn week.[welcometoPanda] Half and Half, [heretogo?]for here, [first chooooooice?] orange chicken, [second chooooooice?] thai cashew chicken, [wouldyouliiii-]no third choice thank you, [todriiiink?] a small root beer, please [thankyougoodday]. Today you dropped my change and blushed. For an instant I saw the real you. 12. Crosswalk Girl #1 - Somehow, through incredible fate, I have left Borders and you have walked from god knows where and we've ended up standing next to each other at the crosswalk waiting for the light to change. Multiple times over multiple days. Upon you I unleash my most rueful and apologetic smiles. You are pitiless. I am torn, because you could've totally crossed the street just there, there were no cars, what the hell, are you honestly going to wait for the actual White Man symbol? Is it because you would rather stand next to MEEEEE? And yet, once it does turn Go, you walk with such speed I quickly fall behind. I hope you don't think I'm creepy cause I'm walking behind you. You're just possess too much alacrity for this simpleton to understand. As my most recent occurrence, you are freshest in my memory. 13. Food Court Girl #1 - You actually reached out and poked my head when you told me you liked my hair. This alone would've made my day, but the week later you did it again while your friend madly giggled behind you. You had honestly totally forgotten about me but your bitch friend hadn't, and let you make a fool out of yourself. A pity you're so giggly. I'm sorry, I cut my hair. The list goes on, but it would only get consecutively creepier. The less I actually see of any one girl, the more backstory I have to imagine, and the more my heart leaps. And, of course, any girl I actually manage to talk to or interact with will, in accordance with Dalton's law, vanish off the face of the earth. I'm talking about YOU, girl with crutches trying to get up the stairs. You started to try and move out of my way, but I assured you this would not be necessary as I am in fact a badass capable of sliding down the outside of a staircase bannister. It took all my strength to resist looking back as I walked away. I'm talking about all of you girls who brighten and then instantly darken my day. Please, please stop it. Just kidding. Never ever stop god don't leave me aloooooone. Keep doing what you're doing. And these are just the girls in REAL LIFE. At any one time I am also enamored with half a dozen musicians/actresses/just plain interesting internet girls. (Case In Point: ALICIA KEYSISATTRACTIVE AS ALL HELL. ) Look, if any of this comes off as horribly horribly shallow and superficial, A) Well....yeah, it is. But unless you're wearing cool clothes, a shirt with an intelligent design on it, or I overhear your stimulating (hurrrf duuuurf) conversation, I am FORCED to appraise you at least primarily by your looks. If you'd prefer it a different way, carry around a megaphone and constantly shout stuff about music, science, video games, and literature. I swear on my haystack I will throw myself at your feet. In other news, Kanye's albums has either dropped or leaked, but the several songs that were sent to me were so disappointing. Great job perpetrating the slow, bland,boring autotuner vocoder effect that T-Pain "invented" like a year ago....on EVERY SONG. I'm not even going to link to this shit. Search if out for yourself, or just punch yourself in the crotch. Same effect. Here is something that IS good!
Boy that Jack White can go, when he's got a real band. I want him and Johnny Depp to fight in top hats. (Oh. P.S.,Death Knight Lvl 66, Days Since Start, 3.Holy SHIT.)
Update: /played on new Death Knight? Seven and a half hours. Levels? Five. Amount of awesome contained? About twice the lethal dose.
Almost as awesome as this guy. Do you want your day brightened? Do you want your brain blown off? Are you just plain feeling down in the dumps? I have five words for you: This Guy Is Self Taught.
I BET YOU WERENT EXPECTING THAT SHIT. HAH. This one is even more face melting.
In a special comment on May 14, 2008, Olbermann criticized Bush for announcing that he had stopped playing golf in honor of American soldiers who died in the Iraq war. Stating that Bush never should have started the war in the first place and accusing him of dishonesty and war crimes, Olbermann snapped, "It is not, Mr. Bush, about your golf game! And, sir, if you have any hopes that next January 20 will not be celebrated as a day of soul-wrenching, heartfelt thanksgiving, because your faithless stewardship of this presidency will have finally come to a merciful end, this last piece of advice . . . when somebody asks you, sir, about your gallant, noble, self-abnegating sacrifice of your golf game so as to soothe the families of the war dead. This advice, Mr. Bush: Shut the hell up!"
Asked by MSNBC senior vice-president Phil Griffin if it was really necessary to tell the President of the United States to "shut the hell up," Olbermann replied that it was, because he couldn't say "fuck" on television. (P.S. The second expansion to the MMORPG World of Warcraft, "Wrath of the Lich King" dropped on midnight tonight. Do not worry if you do not see your interesting male friends for the next two weeks. They are currently on The Internet. The last time around, I didn't actually get to upgrade my account until a week later. This time... Yeah, it's no different. I'm busy. I'll get around to it sometime.) This doesn't actually count as a digivolution because all they did was speed it up and add a drum track, but it's actually REALLY GOOD. Before
After
So maybe I'm biased because I love J Dilla. You, too, should love J Dilla. He died two years ago from thrombotic thrombocytopenic purpura. Since that's sad, here is Me in the Videogame world.Since I can't go embody the forces of death and frost just yet, I'm killing time assembling stupid costumes.
P.P.S. Look, I've probably linked to this before but Lupe Fiasco is actually really sweet.
His beats are solid (mainly cause they've got the Midas Touch Neptunes touch), his lyrics are CLEVER, his flow is pro-fessional, and he doesn't take himself seriously. Other pluses are the fact that he mainly raps about skateboarding, videogames, robots, and how intellectual he is. He obviously either doesn't take himself seriously or doesn't give a shit about anything, and I'm willing to bet it's a little bit of both. Plus his backup dancers have great outfits.
P.P.P.S OKAY YOU KNOW WHAT FINE ANOTHER EDIT. New challenge is to find the similaritiesbetween these videos. ˙sbuos ɹnoɟ oʇ buıuǝʇsıl ɹoɟ sʞuɐɥʇ 'ɥbnoɹoɥʇ ɹo ʇuǝıʇɐd ʎɹǝʌ oslɐ ˙ʇɥbıɹ ǝɹɐ noʎ uǝɥʇ "spuɐq ʞɔoɹ ǝʇıɥʍ buıɹnʇɐǝɟ sʇsıʇɹɐ doɥ dıɥ llɐ ǝɹɐ ʎǝɥʇ" pǝɹǝʍsuɐ noʎ ɟı
A colleague of mine informed me that I had been published. This came as news to me, since the last time I submitted a paper to an accredited institution they actually called me in and burned it before my very eyes. Later I was to find out that if I had showed no emotion they would have published me, but at the time I can only recall taking their secretary out with a chair before fading to red. But, thanks to a quickly snapped camera shot, I was informed I had made the cover of the University of Washington Bio 100 (Intro to Psychotropics Drugs) Lab Manual. And yes, it's okay to Want A Piece. Look at how cool I am. I'm obviously too cool to waft my own beaker, or to remove my headphones from around my neck while in the lab. Those headphones are now broke, by the way. Apparently being in continual contact with me is detrimental to electronics (which makes sense, I do emit faint gamma radiation). Anyway, What. What do you imaginary, clamoring masses demand of me today. For a start, you can convince me not to buy one of these:
When in doubt, bored and tired, if you have the choice of going to sleep or re-reading the emails sent by your distant cousin when he spent the year 2003 living in Cairo studying Islam and the Arabic language...choose the latter. (Females in my life, you'd go out of your mind for my boy Timur here.) I am afraid, best beloved reader. I am personally worried that our (read: my) vocabulary is shrinking as a whole. I am a verbose individual. At least, I imagine myself to be someone with a decent command over the language; over words. I read a lot of books as a kid. Fantasy books. I still do. I can write an essay that gets me into college, or passes the AP exam (not that that means anything). More importantly, as the clock trundles into the single digit hours of the morning, I can shoot lightning from my fingers and weave tapestries of bleary-eyed joy and rage in word-thought-feeling clusters that are unintelligible the morning after. I can't write poetry, but I can read it. I can understand it but not speak it.
The internet started as a joke but I think we are taking it seriously now. I learned to type because we started using MSN to stay in touch between school each day. Mario Teaches Typing doesn't have shit on Instant Messenger. It could have easily gone the other way, only I don't like using the phone because people can hear you. (Plus, when you're on The Internet, you have the worlds information at your fingertips. You can be an expert on anything in five seconds. This makes for more fluid discourse. Now, instead of pretending to know about art while hanging around in a coffee shop, we can rapidly read the wikipedia article and seduce the woman of our dreams. Pretentiousness is replaced by Autodidacticism. I just made that word up.)
Did our generation ever use LOL or ROFLGAMMARAYOGMG? It seemed we are always in the middle. The younger siblings actually use it, the older generations unknowingly commit cringe-worthy faux pas with them, and we stay in the middle using them ironically. I am afraid, America, that what we originally thought was ironic has become accepted. Commonplace. What I mean to say is this: I believe we've gotten so used to saying "MAN FAUST? FUCK THAT SHITBAG. FUCKER SHOULD'VE KNOWN NOT TO BE ALL LIEK 'WHATUP BEELZEBUB, HOOK A PLAYA PLAYA FROM THE HIMALAYAS UP WITH THAT KNOWLEDGE BIZZLE.'" in an ironic fashion That we have come to actually think that way. The joke was we would simultaneously prove our intellectual and ironic depths by talking about high-level academic subjects using low-level internet slang/banalities. It was more complex than that, but I am paraphrasing for when they put my blog in the library of congress because it was culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant. I want to break free of this. Not for any interesting reason, I just don't want to sound like a moron. I want the ladies to be all "Damn boy you fine as all hell OH GOD LOOK I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW. IT IS INESCAPABLE. Bigger words are not the answer. They help when used sparingly, but anybody can use a thesaurus. No, instead, I have to be a genuinely more interesting and original person. Which, in this day and age, mainly consists of finding cool ideas on the internet that my peers have not stumbled upon yet, and claiming them for my own. Hey guys, lets go build a catapult I swear I drew up these blueprints on my own. Hey, lets fill a hundred balloons with LEDS and release them into the sky. Lets go spraypaint a billboard. Lets go out for icecream. Lets be interesting and original for the chicks hell of it. Lets play Xbox. Lets run around the city in the middle of the night and scare ourselves to death. Lets play twister loudly in a sleazy motel on the edge of town to give the staff a hilarious story to tell. Lets put our own fresh new stamp on todays fashion while still staying within it's borders and looking good. Lets unite the pretty nerdy kids and the interesting cool kids and start a party. Or a gang war. Lets act with reckless abandon like old people did; like old people think we do. Lets be immature and boring like the less-old-but-still-older people are; like they think we are. Lets be incredibly cool and risque and exciting like the younger generation thinks we are; hopes they will be. Lets blow up the fucking world and then put it back together upside down just to fuck with New Zealand. Lets do anything anything anything but sit here and waste everyone's time.
