Not a single one of them knows who I am, probably because I've never spoken to any of them. I have smiled on occasion, and have sometimes gotten a smile back (which instantly elevates my day to a "Glorious" level, and never fails to elicit [once out of sight of said lady] something I like to call a "Shit-Eating Grin").
So this one goes out to all those girls who would without a doubt be thoroughly creeped the hell out should they ever discover that some dude is writing about them.
In no particular order, as I remember them in my own time.
1. Bus Girl #1 - You take the bus down to the mall on school days, which probably means you're my age. I've tried in vain to see what book you're reading. I like to think it's something really neat. It's probably about vampires. Your fashion sense is lovely. Please don't tell me it came from Hot Topic. Where have you been lately?
2. Bus Girl #2 - It is rare for someone to pull off violet and teal streaked hair, so you get points for that. However, you are vapid and your boyfriend is probably going to grow up and kill his entire cubicle one day. Get out now.
3. Jamba Girl #1 - You are adorable. Had you been born in the country of your ethnicity, you'd probably be forced to join the circus and be one of those creepy contortionist girls. I'm sorry I never want to try an Acai cup sample. I'm also sorry you're probably dull as a dead hen. Still cute though. Thank you for comping me that one time I forgot a penny for exact change.
4. Jamba Girl #2 - You actually came around the counter and delivered my Caribbean Passion directly into my hand. I've seen you arrive to work on a skateboard. You wear baggy pants. I am madly in love with you please be perfect in every single way. We can have 10 kids and start a family band.
5. Chemistry Girl #1 - You are as cute and minx-y as you are airheaded. Your boyfriend is possibly the most retarded person I've ever met. I cannot pronounce his Hawaiian name. Please stop coming to class half an hour late and then fucking your lab up. Please be less dissapointing, because you're really pretty.Yes, all of my shirts are clever and awesome. GOD, you're dumb as toast.
6. Chemistry Girl #2 - It must be hard being the only tall, skinny white girl in a class/group full of efficient Japanese robots. I make sure that your station has a hotplate that actually, you know, functions properly. Soon I will start hiding dead rats in your purse. Inside will be a fortune that says "YOU COMPLETE ME". I'm still working on it. You look good in goggles, a rare accomplishment.
7. English Girl #1 - Jesus, you're elegant. You spoil it with whore earrings and skintight velour tracksuit-pant-whatever those things with the Letters Over Your Butt are called. I also wish you weren't a total dumbshit idiot. Stop looking at me when I'm looking at you.Yes, my wrist cuff is made of a necktie. Aren't I fucking fashionable? Your essays are predictable and boring. I can basically see your bra like EVERY DAY do you even look in a mirror?
8. Archaeology Girl #1 - I sit right in front of you, so I only get to actually look at you like once a day. This probably greatly magnifies any actual mystery or allure you possess. I commend you on your choice of truly stunning eyeshadow. I am biased, though. There is no such thing as too much eyeshadow.9. Archaeology Girl #2 - You seem intelligent and enthusiastic! Your tattoo of a fairy is quite large! You seem like the kind of girl who would read Twilight and like it, and read Harry Potter and not. Yes, the pyramids aligned with the North Star. Hah, indeed.
10. Religion Girl #1 - You're Canadian, you wear glasses, and you obviously have a good head on your shapely shoulders. These are all points in your favor. You have a heart tattoo between your boobs, you are actually like 26, and you've made friends with the godawful corn-husk of a hippy woman who sits next to you. These are all points against you. I could honestly swing either way with you.
11. Panda Express Girl #1 - You and I have quite the rapport going. This is probably because I eat there like twice a goddamn week.[welcometoPanda] Half and Half, [heretogo?]for here, [first chooooooice?] orange chicken, [second chooooooice?] thai cashew chicken, [wouldyouliiii-]no third choice thank you, [todriiiink?] a small root beer, please [thankyougoodday]. Today you dropped my change and blushed. For an instant I saw the real you.
12. Crosswalk Girl #1 - Somehow, through incredible fate, I have left Borders and you have walked from god knows where and we've ended up standing next to each other at the crosswalk waiting for the light to change. Multiple times over multiple days. Upon you I unleash my most rueful and apologetic smiles. You are pitiless. I am torn, because you could've totally crossed the street just there, there were no cars, what the hell, are you honestly going to wait for the actual White Man symbol? Is it because you would rather stand next to MEEEEE? And yet, once it does turn Go, you walk with such speed I quickly fall behind. I hope you don't think I'm creepy cause I'm walking behind you. You're just possess too much alacrity for this simpleton to understand. As my most recent occurrence, you are freshest in my memory.
13. Food Court Girl #1 - You actually reached out and poked my head when you told me you liked my hair. This alone would've made my day, but the week later you did it again while your friend madly giggled behind you. You had honestly totally forgotten about me but your bitch friend hadn't, and let you make a fool out of yourself. A pity you're so giggly. I'm sorry, I cut my hair.
The list goes on, but it would only get consecutively creepier. The less I actually see of any one girl, the more backstory I have to imagine, and the more my heart leaps. And, of course, any girl I actually manage to talk to or interact with will, in accordance with Dalton's law, vanish off the face of the earth. I'm talking about YOU, girl with crutches trying to get up the stairs. You started to try and move out of my way, but I assured you this would not be necessary as I am in fact a badass capable of sliding down the outside of a staircase bannister. It took all my strength to resist looking back as I walked away.
I'm talking about all of you girls who brighten and then instantly darken my day.
Just kidding. Never ever stop god don't leave me aloooooone.
And these are just the girls in REAL LIFE. At any one time I am also enamored with half a dozen musicians/actresses/just plain interesting internet girls.
(Case In Point: ALICIA KEYS IS ATTRACTIVE AS ALL HELL. )
Look, if any of this comes off as horribly horribly shallow and superficial, A) Well....yeah, it is. But unless you're wearing cool clothes, a shirt with an intelligent design on it, or I overhear your stimulating (hurrrf duuuurf) conversation, I am FORCED to appraise you at least primarily by your looks. If you'd prefer it a different way, carry around a megaphone and constantly shout stuff about music, science, video games, and literature. I swear on my haystack I will throw myself at your feet.
In other news, Kanye's albums has either dropped or leaked, but the several songs that were sent to me were so disappointing. Great job perpetrating the slow, bland,boring autotuner vocoder effect that T-Pain "invented" like a year ago....on EVERY SONG. I'm not even going to link to this shit. Search if out for yourself, or just punch yourself in the crotch. Same effect.
Here is something that IS good!
Boy that Jack White can go, when he's got a real band. I want him and Johnny Depp to fight in top hats.
(Oh. P.S.,Death Knight Lvl 66, Days Since Start, 3.Holy SHIT.)
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